Experimenting - Bad idea? Probably...

I've been having what appear to be some moderately severe side effects from my blood pressure medication. I've been taking Metoprolol (Toprol) for quite a while now. It does seem to be keeping my blood pressure from going too high, but there are some problems.

Here's a list of serious, contact your doctor now, symptoms that 'may' be caused by this drug:
Call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

• chest pain, pounding heartbeats or fluttering in your chest;
• feeling light-headed, fainting;
• feeling short of breath, even with mild exertion;
• swelling of your hands or feet;
• nausea, upper stomach pain, itching, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes);
• easy bruising, unusual bleeding (nose, mouth, vagina, or rectum), purple or red pinpoint spots under your skin;
• wheezing, trouble breathing;
• depression, confusion, memory problems, hallucinations; or
• cold feeling in your hands and feet.

Chest pain - check
light-heading - check
swelling of feet - check
short of breath - check
depression, confusion, memory problems - check
cold feeling in your hands and feet - check


Less serious side effects may include:

• dry mouth, constipation, heartburn, vomiting, diarrhea;
• decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm;
• headache, drowsiness, tired feeling;
• sleep problems (insomnia); or
• anxiety, nervousness.

dry mouth - check
drowsiness, tried feeling - check
sleep problems - check
anxiety, nervousness - check

I know that some of these problems can come from various sources, but why go through so many additional problems to maybe help with one problem?

So, I decided to stop taking it for a while. OK - start preaching and judging now!  Yes, I know that's not what is recommended, but I HATE the way I've been feeling. I don't exercise because I'm too tired, it hurts (chest pain), I'm just to depressed to care and I can't sleep either.

I've talked to the doctor about my problems - no, I didn't specifically mention that they may be due to the meds because I wasn't sure - the doctor should know these things and done something about it long ago. She didn't and didn't even mention to me that these are symptoms that the drug is know to cause. Fail!

So I'm tired of doctors. I stopped taking it and started monitoring how I feel and my blood pressure regularly.

1 week report: 

• I'm less tired than I was with less sleep than I was getting
• The depression, while still a problem, has lightened up
• No chest pain when exercising (not definitive yet as I haven't done that much, but on my hike today I had no discomfort or chest pain - nice change)
• Feet have been warmer, but again, that may be due to the weather change
• Blood pressure is up about 15 points - :(
• I do feel better overall

Certainly not definitive enough to come to any conclusion. I should probably just go to my doctor again and let her know that I feel I need another solution, but I am so tired of paying out $160 just to have them spend 5 minutes with me and still not really do much, if anything to help. 

Right now, I really don't care about my blood pressure. It doesn't seem to be doing any more harm than the stupid meds that are supposed to help. 

Grandkids: Keeping Me Sane

The last several weeks have been particularly difficult and dark for me. I have been in a deep, dark hole in my mind and can't seem to get out of it. The only time I get relief is for the too brief moments when I visit with, play with, hold or otherwise interact with my grand children, and to a significant, but lesser degree, my children. Without them in my life, I might as well just be gone - poof!

I am so sad, so tired. I can't even think, but in the links below, find some measure of how I'm feeling. Sometimes I don't think I can continue, sometimes it seems easier. Tonight, it's rough - I just want to be done.

Here's a link to 2 of my poems in particular that reflect how I'm feeling:
How Long?

And this is how I describe the deep depression which is turning out to be a challenge I can't seem to overcome ...
The Beast Within