This is just a test post to see what happens when trying to get a feed....
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Raising Up From a Long Night
I've been suffering from some very deep, severe depression for quite a while now. It's difficult to remember when it started and exactly how long it's been, but I'm thinking it's been over 2 years now. My family has kept me from going too deep or too far. The grand kids have been especially helpful with keeping me going. For that I will always be thankful and can not fully express my love and thankfulness to them (my children AND grandchildren) for not giving up on me.
Fortunately, I am greatly blessed and somehow, someway, I have been able to keep plodding along, not giving up and giving in though I often wanted to. It was largely through my family (as noted above). There is a strength in me that is not of my own. It is the strength of my testimony of God's love for His children and more specifically, for me. The strength derived from that assurance, that firm, deep seated, spiritual knowledge, along with the love of and for my family, kept me from going over the edge. With all my heart and with a deep, abiding gratefulness, I acknowledge my Heavenly Father's goodness and love towards me - to give me the strength to hang on through some very dark times. It is through His love and Jesus Christ's atonement that I can see hope and a lightness and joy that I thought never to feel again.
Let me show you how this awakening from the long night came about.
Around September of 2012, I started having some problems with my feet. They were sore and aching whenever I hiked or walked very far. The deer hunt that year was the final straw for my poor suffering feet. After the last day of the hunt, I got to the trailer where we were camped and could barely lift my legs and could not step up the short steps into the trailer. I had to literally lift my leg with my hand to get my foot up. Then followed it again with the other. I can smile at it now, but at the time it was very painful. My feet were burning and quite painful. So, I finally went to the doctor and to keep it short, I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis (in BOTH feet). Ouch! I was told that in order to heal, I must stay off of them as much as possible. So, there went my walks, my hikes, and exercise. I couldn't move without pain. So I quit doing any exercise for that entire winter and into the early spring of 2013. That, together with the ever worsening depression really had me down and almost out. I was so close to a goner, but my loving Heavenly Father had not given up on me. I had what I now know to be inspiration from Heaven to not give in and find another way to get the physical work my body so desperately craved. I had done so well the last 8 years after my heart attack in 2004, but alas, I had gained back most of the weight I had lost and that was a contributor to even darker, deeper depression. But there was hope - yes, always hope. I decided that if I couldn't walk, I would ride a bicycle. Now, it had been probably more than 20 years since I had been on a bike for any length of time, but I was determined and so I got a bike. Not just any bike, but one that I could ride to and from work. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it had to be inspiration - I would never, in my more lucid moments, even consider riding a bike from Magna to downtown Salt Lake City, but there it was, and so it began.
At first, I just rode a few miles around Magna, then I started going on longer rides. I mapped out a 7 mile loop from 7200 W 2680 S (by my house) up to 3100 S then over to 9400 W, back down to 2800 S and back to my house. All told, about 7 miles. I did that for a while, then determined to ride to work. The last time I had ridden even close to that far was when I was about 16 years old and the scouts did a 50 miler down Redwood Rd to the Jordan River Narrows and back. I was unsure about the safety and protocol, so I asked my son Aaron to ride with me the first couple of times. I was so grateful for his help and company and I started riding to work. Back then, I rode a different route than I do now and it was a bit longer because for about 1/2 of the ride we went on the Jordan River trail which twists and turns a bit. Anyway, we rode together several times and sometimes I rode alone - especially coming home - as Aaron had school and a young family to be with. That got me started, and although I was slow, it was amazing that it took very little more time than riding the bus. I could get to work in just over 1.5 hours. Taking the bus takes from 1.5 to 2 hours, so time wise it wasn't a problem. After a while, Aaron wasn't able to ride with me for various reasons, so I kept riding alone. I have to admit that many days I simply did NOT want to get on that bike. It was hard, it was work, I was too tired, etc. It wasn't a lot of fun at that point, just hard. Although I do have to admit that there were grand moments when I got to see the sun rise (or set) and could take a few moments to enjoy it. My only real worry was that some crazy or distracted driver would run into me. Well, it hasn't happened and hopefully never will, but in any case, I'm determined to contineu.
I continued biking to work all the way through the first of December 2013. I didn't bike every day. My body couldn't handle that. The biggest problem, actually is my back side. My butt gets so sore sometimes that it's a pleasure/pain mixture when I finally get off and can rest those poor glutteal (sp) muscles. I bought a pair of padded bike shorts, but alas, they were low quality and the padding just wasn't quite in the right spot. So, back to regular shorts or even long pants, depending on the weather. I biked on cold days and warm days and hot days and cool days. The only days I tried to avoid completely were wet ones. My bike is not good in the wet weather - it slips too easily with those tall, thin wheels and I don't like the 'skunk' stripe from all the water tossed up on my back by the rear tire. After about the first week of December, it started getting too cold and snowy for too many days and I pretty much stopped biking until about March of this year. When I took it up again, it was so hard and I was so out of shape and weighed too much. But, I kept at it. I am a little bit stubborn, but I was being helped, prompted, pushed or inspired - pick the word - to keep trying. I liked it and I hated it both at the same time. A little odd thing here is that the showers at work are wonderful. I love them. Sometimes, just the thought of a nice, hard shower at work got me on my bike. I know - maybe TMI, but there it is. Whatever it takes, use it to keep yourself moving.
So, I kept at it and just a few weeks ago, my brother Evan called me about going to the Temple with him. I hadn't been in a long time and I agreed. That was to be a HUGE turning point for me. Going to Oquirrh Mountain Temple with my brother may have just saved my life - spiritually, if not physically. There is a special spirit and strength from being in the Temple that appears to have broken me out of the deep, dark feelings that I've been languishing in for so long. I am so grateful. Now, follow that up a day or two later when I rode my bike to work. I felt inclined (prompted) to wear my ear buds and listen to some of my favorite music while riding that day. I've been doing that since - it was so amazing. I got into the beat of the music and just pumped away like never before. The time went by so quickly and I was in a bit of a zone. I think I almost felt happy. What was that I thought to myself. What is that feeling? Well, that was nothing compared to the ride home that day. I really got into a zone on the way home. I was listening to uplifting music with some great beats and just pedaled away. I was cruising, but I didn't know how fast it was going until I started getting reports every 2 miles from my biking app on my phone. I had gone 2 miles and it told me that I was going 19.8 mph and the time for those 2 miles was 7 minutes 32 seconds. I had gone 2 consecutive miles at a faster pace than ever! It was just under 4 minutes to a mile. That's amazing for me - I usually do about 5-6 minutes a mile at my best. OK, so that was the easiest part of the ride home. How would it go the rest of the way? Suffice it to say that my blistering pace (for me) continued all the way home. I didn't even slack off on the last 2 miles which are usually when I'm ready to get off and walk. I got home in just under 1 hour and 15 minutes (including stopped time for lights and trains). The actual biking time was 55 minutes and some odd seconds. That's about 10 minutes faster than I've ever done that distance (13.5 miles). Wow! Pretty nice. During that ride, I felt a peace, a happiness, maybe even some joy! It's been too long since I felt that and I have to admit that it is a powerful motivator.
Now I WANT to get on my bike and ride. Yes, sometimes it's still very hard and I still have a problem with my butt hurting, but it's FUN! I haven't felt that anything was fun for a long time and I love it. I've ridden twice this week and will ride tomorrow morning for what is probably my maximum in a week. More than 3 times may be too much, so I'll just do the 3x for now and see where it goes.
I've continued to go to the temple and have been there every week since that first time with my brother. Nancy and I have interviewed with the Bishop to be Temple workers. That will take us to the Temple at least 1 time per week and I'm determined to work to get there at least 1 more time each week. It is saving my life - I highly recommend it.
I will try to describe how I feel as I ride my bike. I still have some problems with chest pain when I ride, so sometimes I don't push as hard as I like, but I think it's getting better.
As I ride, I can feel my breath come quicker. I feel and hear my heart beat in my chest. fast and strong. I can feel and hear the blood flowing through my veins taking precious oxygen to my cells as they work to propel me forward. The endorphins flood my brain and I feel GOOD! I love those endorphins! It gives me a natural high that no man-made drug or stimulant could every come close to equaling. I feel ALIVE! I feel full of power and self worth. It drives me to compete with myself and do even better.
Yes, lots of younger and better conditioned and better equipped folks pass me even when I'm going good, but it doesn't matter. I just wave or say Hi and keep on pumping. You need to get out and work your body and feel it. Hear your heart, feel the blood pumping, know yourself in a way that nothing else can help you do. I am almost 60 years old and I am biking to and from work about 2-3 times per week. That's almost 80 miles in a week. Yes, I have to admit that some days I only bike 1/2 and take the train the rest of the way, but most days I go the distance. If I, a 60 year old guy can do that, what can you accomplish? Anything you decide to. That's just it. You have to decide to.
For the ultimate high and for maximum spiritual and physical strength, here is my prescription: Go to the Temple regularly (meaning at LEAST 2x per month, preferably once per week) and find some exercise that you can enjoy and just do it.
Life is looking good again. Life is back on track. I have a long road of hard work ahead of me to break out of the cycle of doing nothing and get back to doing good. Get back to doing the work of building the Kingdom of God - that means service and love for others. I know I will still have bad days, but it's hard to describe the brightness and light of hope and love that I have felt. It's all due to the love my Father in Heaven has for me and for the people He works through to help me. I want to be a tool in His hands to do for others what He has done for me through my family.
Fortunately, I am greatly blessed and somehow, someway, I have been able to keep plodding along, not giving up and giving in though I often wanted to. It was largely through my family (as noted above). There is a strength in me that is not of my own. It is the strength of my testimony of God's love for His children and more specifically, for me. The strength derived from that assurance, that firm, deep seated, spiritual knowledge, along with the love of and for my family, kept me from going over the edge. With all my heart and with a deep, abiding gratefulness, I acknowledge my Heavenly Father's goodness and love towards me - to give me the strength to hang on through some very dark times. It is through His love and Jesus Christ's atonement that I can see hope and a lightness and joy that I thought never to feel again.
Let me show you how this awakening from the long night came about.
Around September of 2012, I started having some problems with my feet. They were sore and aching whenever I hiked or walked very far. The deer hunt that year was the final straw for my poor suffering feet. After the last day of the hunt, I got to the trailer where we were camped and could barely lift my legs and could not step up the short steps into the trailer. I had to literally lift my leg with my hand to get my foot up. Then followed it again with the other. I can smile at it now, but at the time it was very painful. My feet were burning and quite painful. So, I finally went to the doctor and to keep it short, I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis (in BOTH feet). Ouch! I was told that in order to heal, I must stay off of them as much as possible. So, there went my walks, my hikes, and exercise. I couldn't move without pain. So I quit doing any exercise for that entire winter and into the early spring of 2013. That, together with the ever worsening depression really had me down and almost out. I was so close to a goner, but my loving Heavenly Father had not given up on me. I had what I now know to be inspiration from Heaven to not give in and find another way to get the physical work my body so desperately craved. I had done so well the last 8 years after my heart attack in 2004, but alas, I had gained back most of the weight I had lost and that was a contributor to even darker, deeper depression. But there was hope - yes, always hope. I decided that if I couldn't walk, I would ride a bicycle. Now, it had been probably more than 20 years since I had been on a bike for any length of time, but I was determined and so I got a bike. Not just any bike, but one that I could ride to and from work. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it had to be inspiration - I would never, in my more lucid moments, even consider riding a bike from Magna to downtown Salt Lake City, but there it was, and so it began.
At first, I just rode a few miles around Magna, then I started going on longer rides. I mapped out a 7 mile loop from 7200 W 2680 S (by my house) up to 3100 S then over to 9400 W, back down to 2800 S and back to my house. All told, about 7 miles. I did that for a while, then determined to ride to work. The last time I had ridden even close to that far was when I was about 16 years old and the scouts did a 50 miler down Redwood Rd to the Jordan River Narrows and back. I was unsure about the safety and protocol, so I asked my son Aaron to ride with me the first couple of times. I was so grateful for his help and company and I started riding to work. Back then, I rode a different route than I do now and it was a bit longer because for about 1/2 of the ride we went on the Jordan River trail which twists and turns a bit. Anyway, we rode together several times and sometimes I rode alone - especially coming home - as Aaron had school and a young family to be with. That got me started, and although I was slow, it was amazing that it took very little more time than riding the bus. I could get to work in just over 1.5 hours. Taking the bus takes from 1.5 to 2 hours, so time wise it wasn't a problem. After a while, Aaron wasn't able to ride with me for various reasons, so I kept riding alone. I have to admit that many days I simply did NOT want to get on that bike. It was hard, it was work, I was too tired, etc. It wasn't a lot of fun at that point, just hard. Although I do have to admit that there were grand moments when I got to see the sun rise (or set) and could take a few moments to enjoy it. My only real worry was that some crazy or distracted driver would run into me. Well, it hasn't happened and hopefully never will, but in any case, I'm determined to contineu.
I continued biking to work all the way through the first of December 2013. I didn't bike every day. My body couldn't handle that. The biggest problem, actually is my back side. My butt gets so sore sometimes that it's a pleasure/pain mixture when I finally get off and can rest those poor glutteal (sp) muscles. I bought a pair of padded bike shorts, but alas, they were low quality and the padding just wasn't quite in the right spot. So, back to regular shorts or even long pants, depending on the weather. I biked on cold days and warm days and hot days and cool days. The only days I tried to avoid completely were wet ones. My bike is not good in the wet weather - it slips too easily with those tall, thin wheels and I don't like the 'skunk' stripe from all the water tossed up on my back by the rear tire. After about the first week of December, it started getting too cold and snowy for too many days and I pretty much stopped biking until about March of this year. When I took it up again, it was so hard and I was so out of shape and weighed too much. But, I kept at it. I am a little bit stubborn, but I was being helped, prompted, pushed or inspired - pick the word - to keep trying. I liked it and I hated it both at the same time. A little odd thing here is that the showers at work are wonderful. I love them. Sometimes, just the thought of a nice, hard shower at work got me on my bike. I know - maybe TMI, but there it is. Whatever it takes, use it to keep yourself moving.
So, I kept at it and just a few weeks ago, my brother Evan called me about going to the Temple with him. I hadn't been in a long time and I agreed. That was to be a HUGE turning point for me. Going to Oquirrh Mountain Temple with my brother may have just saved my life - spiritually, if not physically. There is a special spirit and strength from being in the Temple that appears to have broken me out of the deep, dark feelings that I've been languishing in for so long. I am so grateful. Now, follow that up a day or two later when I rode my bike to work. I felt inclined (prompted) to wear my ear buds and listen to some of my favorite music while riding that day. I've been doing that since - it was so amazing. I got into the beat of the music and just pumped away like never before. The time went by so quickly and I was in a bit of a zone. I think I almost felt happy. What was that I thought to myself. What is that feeling? Well, that was nothing compared to the ride home that day. I really got into a zone on the way home. I was listening to uplifting music with some great beats and just pedaled away. I was cruising, but I didn't know how fast it was going until I started getting reports every 2 miles from my biking app on my phone. I had gone 2 miles and it told me that I was going 19.8 mph and the time for those 2 miles was 7 minutes 32 seconds. I had gone 2 consecutive miles at a faster pace than ever! It was just under 4 minutes to a mile. That's amazing for me - I usually do about 5-6 minutes a mile at my best. OK, so that was the easiest part of the ride home. How would it go the rest of the way? Suffice it to say that my blistering pace (for me) continued all the way home. I didn't even slack off on the last 2 miles which are usually when I'm ready to get off and walk. I got home in just under 1 hour and 15 minutes (including stopped time for lights and trains). The actual biking time was 55 minutes and some odd seconds. That's about 10 minutes faster than I've ever done that distance (13.5 miles). Wow! Pretty nice. During that ride, I felt a peace, a happiness, maybe even some joy! It's been too long since I felt that and I have to admit that it is a powerful motivator.
Now I WANT to get on my bike and ride. Yes, sometimes it's still very hard and I still have a problem with my butt hurting, but it's FUN! I haven't felt that anything was fun for a long time and I love it. I've ridden twice this week and will ride tomorrow morning for what is probably my maximum in a week. More than 3 times may be too much, so I'll just do the 3x for now and see where it goes.
I've continued to go to the temple and have been there every week since that first time with my brother. Nancy and I have interviewed with the Bishop to be Temple workers. That will take us to the Temple at least 1 time per week and I'm determined to work to get there at least 1 more time each week. It is saving my life - I highly recommend it.
I will try to describe how I feel as I ride my bike. I still have some problems with chest pain when I ride, so sometimes I don't push as hard as I like, but I think it's getting better.
As I ride, I can feel my breath come quicker. I feel and hear my heart beat in my chest. fast and strong. I can feel and hear the blood flowing through my veins taking precious oxygen to my cells as they work to propel me forward. The endorphins flood my brain and I feel GOOD! I love those endorphins! It gives me a natural high that no man-made drug or stimulant could every come close to equaling. I feel ALIVE! I feel full of power and self worth. It drives me to compete with myself and do even better.
Yes, lots of younger and better conditioned and better equipped folks pass me even when I'm going good, but it doesn't matter. I just wave or say Hi and keep on pumping. You need to get out and work your body and feel it. Hear your heart, feel the blood pumping, know yourself in a way that nothing else can help you do. I am almost 60 years old and I am biking to and from work about 2-3 times per week. That's almost 80 miles in a week. Yes, I have to admit that some days I only bike 1/2 and take the train the rest of the way, but most days I go the distance. If I, a 60 year old guy can do that, what can you accomplish? Anything you decide to. That's just it. You have to decide to.
For the ultimate high and for maximum spiritual and physical strength, here is my prescription: Go to the Temple regularly (meaning at LEAST 2x per month, preferably once per week) and find some exercise that you can enjoy and just do it.
Life is looking good again. Life is back on track. I have a long road of hard work ahead of me to break out of the cycle of doing nothing and get back to doing good. Get back to doing the work of building the Kingdom of God - that means service and love for others. I know I will still have bad days, but it's hard to describe the brightness and light of hope and love that I have felt. It's all due to the love my Father in Heaven has for me and for the people He works through to help me. I want to be a tool in His hands to do for others what He has done for me through my family.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Exercise - "No Pain = No Gain"?
I've heard it said that when exercising that "No pain = no gain." If that's true, I should be gaining a lot since exercise, for me, is mostly painful.
I've also heard it said that pain is the body's way of telling you that something is wrong and to do something about it.
I believe that you should not feel pain while exercising, but discomfort (muscle tiredness / soreness, etc.) is acceptable.
So that brings me to what is causing me some concern and is making it difficult for me to exercise like I should:
The worst thing is that it is mentally taxing. It bothers me that it hurts and takes away from doing better and more because no matter what attitude I take externally, I do worry about the pain and wonder if I should stop when it hurts. That's the #1 reason that I don't exercise - worry about the pain. Said, but true. Still, I do get going some days and I hope that's good enough.
I've also heard it said that pain is the body's way of telling you that something is wrong and to do something about it.
I believe that you should not feel pain while exercising, but discomfort (muscle tiredness / soreness, etc.) is acceptable.
So that brings me to what is causing me some concern and is making it difficult for me to exercise like I should:
So, what are my options?It hurts when I exercise. Specifically, my chest hurts and sometimes the pain and a numb feeling travels down my left arm. It feels like something is wrong with my heart, but I can't get any answers from the medical folks. I've talked to my MD several times and the only thing they've done is a stress test (hook up a heart monitor thing, take pictures of the heart before and after walking on the treadmill). I've done that dumb test twice in the last 3 years with no problems found. My heart must be really healthy. Actually, one of the problems, I think, is that the so-called exercise (walking on a treadmill) is for a very short time and doesn't really begin to stress me. It's too easy. Sigh ... So, bottom line is that they have found nothing wrong. Yet, I continue to hurt. It hurts doing almost any exercise. I walk around the block = pain. I ride my bike = pain. I walk with Chloe = pain. The funny thing is that sometimes, after a while, the pain goes away and sometimes, it just gets worse. Most of the time, it builds to a certain level and just stays there until I stop. The other interesting thing is that it always stops hurting when I stop moving. Sometimes it takes a minute or so and sometimes it stops hurting almost immediately. I have noticed that it sometimes stops hurting when I'm riding my bike after about 6-8 miles, but not always. Maybe I just get used to the pain and no longer notice it, but I've tried to monitor that consciously and it doesn't seem that way. I have no idea why and can't see any pattern. The worst pain I've experienced was when I walked up to the bus stop (from my house to 7200 W on 3500 S). It was bad enough that I had to stop a couple of times and let it simmer down before I could continue. I couldn't breathe very well. Still, when I stopped, it stopped. It may not be my heart although it certainly feels like it is. The pain is centered at the left side of my upper chest and as I mentioned, it often radiates down my left arm.
- Quit exercising
- Keep exercising
The worst thing is that it is mentally taxing. It bothers me that it hurts and takes away from doing better and more because no matter what attitude I take externally, I do worry about the pain and wonder if I should stop when it hurts. That's the #1 reason that I don't exercise - worry about the pain. Said, but true. Still, I do get going some days and I hope that's good enough.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
End of an Experiment
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have been experimenting with not taking my bp meds because I was experiencing some severe side effects. Initially, I did feel better, but after a couple of weeks I noticed that the most severe issue I was worried about (chest pain) happened even while not taking the meds.
So, I'm back taking them and my bp has dropped back to its semi-high, but much lower than without meds, normal. I'm back to around 135/89 range instead of the 155/115 range without the meds. Sigh ....
It's still very annoying with the dry mouth, colder hands and feet and constant exhaustion, but maybe I can get the doctor to change it up and try something else.
I still have a huge problem with eating too much (depression related snacking) and exercising too little (laziness, tiredness and fear of the chest pains). I've gained almost all of my old weight back and I feel crummy. I keep trying to motivate myself and get back to daily exercise, but can't seem to get it going. Between being so tired I can hardly function and the exercise induced chest pains I can't get moving. Much of the time I don't even care on several levels, but at my inner most level I really want to work to be healthy - it's just too hard -- too sad, too tired, too depressed. You might say I have a case of the terrible toos! :)
Some days I even wonder if I hang on to the depression so I can tell myself it's not my fault. If I could just let it go (unintentional Frozen reference...) I could feel happy again. Sadly, I can't find it within me to shake it off. It.just.won't.go.away!
At least I'm functioning at a level that lets me keep my job. Anything other than that is so difficult. Right now, it's the thoughts and love of my children and grand children that are keeping me from giving up, but I sometimes wander so close to the edge of despair that I'm afraid for myself. So far, I've been able to keep back from the cliff edge. It feels like I can't hold on any longer, then somehow I find just enough strength to hold it off for a few moments and back away from that dark edge of despair that I don't believe I can battle.
I can no longer remember a time when I wasn't just hanging on for dear life. It seems like forever since I've felt happy - I'm not sure I even understand joy right now. I'm just trying to stay around and give the very little that I can to my grand children. They deserve so much more from their grandpa than I can give them. It's that thought that both gives me strength to keep trying and fills my heart with a deep heaviness from not giving them what I so much desire to - to give my time and what little wisdom I've gathered - to play with them, teach them, show them the things I love, but most of all to spend time with them. And I can't even do that, most days.
I cherish every moment I can spend with them and anguish at the thought that I'm not doing nearly enough or spending nearly enough time with them. Yet, I am still here, still trying.
So, I'm back taking them and my bp has dropped back to its semi-high, but much lower than without meds, normal. I'm back to around 135/89 range instead of the 155/115 range without the meds. Sigh ....
It's still very annoying with the dry mouth, colder hands and feet and constant exhaustion, but maybe I can get the doctor to change it up and try something else.
I still have a huge problem with eating too much (depression related snacking) and exercising too little (laziness, tiredness and fear of the chest pains). I've gained almost all of my old weight back and I feel crummy. I keep trying to motivate myself and get back to daily exercise, but can't seem to get it going. Between being so tired I can hardly function and the exercise induced chest pains I can't get moving. Much of the time I don't even care on several levels, but at my inner most level I really want to work to be healthy - it's just too hard -- too sad, too tired, too depressed. You might say I have a case of the terrible toos! :)
Some days I even wonder if I hang on to the depression so I can tell myself it's not my fault. If I could just let it go (unintentional Frozen reference...) I could feel happy again. Sadly, I can't find it within me to shake it off. It.just.won't.go.away!
At least I'm functioning at a level that lets me keep my job. Anything other than that is so difficult. Right now, it's the thoughts and love of my children and grand children that are keeping me from giving up, but I sometimes wander so close to the edge of despair that I'm afraid for myself. So far, I've been able to keep back from the cliff edge. It feels like I can't hold on any longer, then somehow I find just enough strength to hold it off for a few moments and back away from that dark edge of despair that I don't believe I can battle.
I can no longer remember a time when I wasn't just hanging on for dear life. It seems like forever since I've felt happy - I'm not sure I even understand joy right now. I'm just trying to stay around and give the very little that I can to my grand children. They deserve so much more from their grandpa than I can give them. It's that thought that both gives me strength to keep trying and fills my heart with a deep heaviness from not giving them what I so much desire to - to give my time and what little wisdom I've gathered - to play with them, teach them, show them the things I love, but most of all to spend time with them. And I can't even do that, most days.
I cherish every moment I can spend with them and anguish at the thought that I'm not doing nearly enough or spending nearly enough time with them. Yet, I am still here, still trying.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Experimenting - Bad idea? Probably...
I've been having what appear to be some moderately severe side effects from my blood pressure medication. I've been taking Metoprolol (Toprol) for quite a while now. It does seem to be keeping my blood pressure from going too high, but there are some problems.
Here's a list of serious, contact your doctor now, symptoms that 'may' be caused by this drug:
Call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
light-heading - check
swelling of feet - check
short of breath - check
depression, confusion, memory problems - check
cold feeling in your hands and feet - check
Less serious side effects may include:
drowsiness, tried feeling - check
sleep problems - check
anxiety, nervousness - check
I know that some of these problems can come from various sources, but why go through so many additional problems to maybe help with one problem?
So, I decided to stop taking it for a while. OK - start preaching and judging now! Yes, I know that's not what is recommended, but I HATE the way I've been feeling. I don't exercise because I'm too tired, it hurts (chest pain), I'm just to depressed to care and I can't sleep either.
I've talked to the doctor about my problems - no, I didn't specifically mention that they may be due to the meds because I wasn't sure - the doctor should know these things and done something about it long ago. She didn't and didn't even mention to me that these are symptoms that the drug is know to cause. Fail!
So I'm tired of doctors. I stopped taking it and started monitoring how I feel and my blood pressure regularly.
1 week report:
Right now, I really don't care about my blood pressure. It doesn't seem to be doing any more harm than the stupid meds that are supposed to help.
Here's a list of serious, contact your doctor now, symptoms that 'may' be caused by this drug:
Call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:
- chest pain, pounding heartbeats or fluttering in your chest;
- feeling light-headed, fainting;
- feeling short of breath, even with mild exertion;
- swelling of your hands or feet;
- nausea, upper stomach pain, itching, loss of appetite, dark urine, clay-colored stools, jaundice (yellowing of the skin or eyes);
- easy bruising, unusual bleeding (nose, mouth, vagina, or rectum), purple or red pinpoint spots under your skin;
- wheezing, trouble breathing;
- depression, confusion, memory problems, hallucinations; or
- cold feeling in your hands and feet.
light-heading - check
swelling of feet - check
short of breath - check
depression, confusion, memory problems - check
cold feeling in your hands and feet - check
Less serious side effects may include:
- dry mouth, constipation, heartburn, vomiting, diarrhea;
- decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm;
- headache, drowsiness, tired feeling;
- sleep problems (insomnia); or
- anxiety, nervousness.
drowsiness, tried feeling - check
sleep problems - check
anxiety, nervousness - check
I know that some of these problems can come from various sources, but why go through so many additional problems to maybe help with one problem?
So, I decided to stop taking it for a while. OK - start preaching and judging now! Yes, I know that's not what is recommended, but I HATE the way I've been feeling. I don't exercise because I'm too tired, it hurts (chest pain), I'm just to depressed to care and I can't sleep either.
I've talked to the doctor about my problems - no, I didn't specifically mention that they may be due to the meds because I wasn't sure - the doctor should know these things and done something about it long ago. She didn't and didn't even mention to me that these are symptoms that the drug is know to cause. Fail!
So I'm tired of doctors. I stopped taking it and started monitoring how I feel and my blood pressure regularly.
1 week report:
- I'm less tired than I was with less sleep than I was getting
- The depression, while still a problem, has lightened up
- No chest pain when exercising (not definitive yet as I haven't done that much, but on my hike today I had no discomfort or chest pain - nice change)
- Feet have been warmer, but again, that may be due to the weather change
- Blood pressure is up about 15 points - :(
- I do feel better overall
Right now, I really don't care about my blood pressure. It doesn't seem to be doing any more harm than the stupid meds that are supposed to help.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Grandkids: Keeping Me Sane
The last several weeks have been particularly difficult and dark for me. I have been in a deep, dark hole in my mind and can't seem to get out of it. The only time I get relief is for the too brief moments when I visit with, play with, hold or otherwise interact with my grand children, and to a significant, but lesser degree, my children. Without them in my life, I might as well just be gone - poof!
I am so sad, so tired. I can't even think, but in the links below, find some measure of how I'm feeling. Sometimes I don't think I can continue, sometimes it seems easier. Tonight, it's rough - I just want to be done.
Here's a link to 2 of my poems in particular that reflect how I'm feeling:
How Long?
And this is how I describe the deep depression which is turning out to be a challenge I can't seem to overcome ...
The Beast Within
I am so sad, so tired. I can't even think, but in the links below, find some measure of how I'm feeling. Sometimes I don't think I can continue, sometimes it seems easier. Tonight, it's rough - I just want to be done.
Here's a link to 2 of my poems in particular that reflect how I'm feeling:
How Long?
And this is how I describe the deep depression which is turning out to be a challenge I can't seem to overcome ...
The Beast Within
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Ups and Downs
After my hike on Wednesday (hike), I felt really good for a couple of days - unusually good. My mood was good and I was even a little happy, I think. In any case, I didn't feel the dark, sad moods that have been so prevalent for quite a while. If I could only take a hike every 3 days, maybe that would help me get past this long bout of depression that has made it so difficult to function. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen, so I need to get something else to drag me out of the dark moods. Perhaps a long bike ride will do it. I'm going to try that tomorrow. I will be riding my bike to and from work tomorrow.
Stay tuned ...
By Saturday, I was feeling down again and didn't get much done. It was another, "can't get the energy to do anything" type of day. That extended into today (Sunday). I did get a good lift in Church - or at least during my Primary class time. I have a great group of children in my class this year. It's also a big group - up to 15 if they all come. I had 8 of them today. I think it's going to be a good year with my primary class. So, I felt pretty good coming out of the class. They lift me up with their enthusiasm, youth and their smiles. By the time I got into Sacrament meeting after class, it was wearing off I guess. I just felt blah again.
On the plus side, I am seeing a slight increase in the good moods and a similarly slight reduction in the depth or darkness of the other side - the 'dark side,' so to speak. I'm just starting to feel that it may be possible to dig out of this awful cycle of depression - maybe this year?
So I continue on with my roller coaster moods and debilitating fatigue and still, I hope for it to get better and eventually, with God's help, to dissipate and leave me with some peace.
Today, I am grateful for my Primary class. I thank a loving Heavenly Father that I am allowed this grace and blessing to help teach his children.
I leave you with a few of my favorite pictures.
Stay tuned ...
By Saturday, I was feeling down again and didn't get much done. It was another, "can't get the energy to do anything" type of day. That extended into today (Sunday). I did get a good lift in Church - or at least during my Primary class time. I have a great group of children in my class this year. It's also a big group - up to 15 if they all come. I had 8 of them today. I think it's going to be a good year with my primary class. So, I felt pretty good coming out of the class. They lift me up with their enthusiasm, youth and their smiles. By the time I got into Sacrament meeting after class, it was wearing off I guess. I just felt blah again.
On the plus side, I am seeing a slight increase in the good moods and a similarly slight reduction in the depth or darkness of the other side - the 'dark side,' so to speak. I'm just starting to feel that it may be possible to dig out of this awful cycle of depression - maybe this year?
So I continue on with my roller coaster moods and debilitating fatigue and still, I hope for it to get better and eventually, with God's help, to dissipate and leave me with some peace.
Today, I am grateful for my Primary class. I thank a loving Heavenly Father that I am allowed this grace and blessing to help teach his children.
I leave you with a few of my favorite pictures.
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| Looking forward to when He comes again |
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| One of my favorite picts of Chloe |
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| The top of the mountain - returning there come spring 2014! |
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Winter Hiking - A Pleasure, Not a Pain
Yesterday was a great day. I was privileged to be able to go out hiking
in the canyons (above the muck and gunk in the valley) AND two of my
sons went with me - Aaron and Jason. It was so beautiful and warm. The temperature was in the 40's and the
air was very clear and crisp. It was a great way to chase away the old depression monster. I felt
pretty good all day. It's been a while since I felt that good for a
whole day. Thanks to Jason and Aaron for going with me.
We drove to the Stansbury mountains just East of Grantsville and went up Davenport canyon to the Stansbury trail head. The road was a little bit icy, but it wasn't steep enough or bad enough to cause us any troubles although I did have it in 4-wheel drive up the icy / snowy road. It was interesting that where the sun was shining the longest, the snow / ice had melted and left parts of the road muddy. I think the snow and ice is a little better than the mud but either way my truck took us without incident to the trail.
I got out and took a deep breath of the clean, crisp air. Looking down into the valley I could see the layer of muck and smog covering the valley. It was so good to be above all that. It was so nice that I only took my hoody with me and my wool glove liners. Heavy coats and gloves weren't needed on this day. We started hiking up the trail and for the first 1/2 mile, it wasn't bad because other folks had been up the trail and broke the crust of the snow. That made it easier than if we had to break fresh snow - especially since it had a crust on top that would break through with every step. With it already broken for us, it was a bit easier. There was about 10" of snow or maybe a little less. No problem walking in it. Somebody earlier in the day or probably the day before had been up the trail with snowshoes one. You could see the difference they made. It probably would have been easier if I had worn my snowshoes, but I didn't bring them this trip. I can certainly see now, how they would be very helpful, even in this amount of snow because you don't break through the crust so much and have the difficulty of lifting your feet up and out for every step.
It was a great hike of about 2.5 miles from the Davenport trail head to the North Willow road. We went up to a pass and then back down to North Willow, then back again. It's not very far between the canyons, so while it wasn't a long hike, it was a good one. I've done it before in less time, but never with that much snow before and I wasn't in any real hurry.
I'm grateful that I can still do that kind of hiking. The scenery was beautiful, the air was clean and crisp, the company was great and the exercise invigorating. It was so nice in fact that all of us removed our jackets before we were 1/2 through the hike. Amazing isn't it? Hiking in the snow and only wearing a long sleeved shirt and no coat or jacket.
Today, I am grateful for my family, my aging, but still able body, and good friends.
We drove to the Stansbury mountains just East of Grantsville and went up Davenport canyon to the Stansbury trail head. The road was a little bit icy, but it wasn't steep enough or bad enough to cause us any troubles although I did have it in 4-wheel drive up the icy / snowy road. It was interesting that where the sun was shining the longest, the snow / ice had melted and left parts of the road muddy. I think the snow and ice is a little better than the mud but either way my truck took us without incident to the trail.
I got out and took a deep breath of the clean, crisp air. Looking down into the valley I could see the layer of muck and smog covering the valley. It was so good to be above all that. It was so nice that I only took my hoody with me and my wool glove liners. Heavy coats and gloves weren't needed on this day. We started hiking up the trail and for the first 1/2 mile, it wasn't bad because other folks had been up the trail and broke the crust of the snow. That made it easier than if we had to break fresh snow - especially since it had a crust on top that would break through with every step. With it already broken for us, it was a bit easier. There was about 10" of snow or maybe a little less. No problem walking in it. Somebody earlier in the day or probably the day before had been up the trail with snowshoes one. You could see the difference they made. It probably would have been easier if I had worn my snowshoes, but I didn't bring them this trip. I can certainly see now, how they would be very helpful, even in this amount of snow because you don't break through the crust so much and have the difficulty of lifting your feet up and out for every step.
It was a great hike of about 2.5 miles from the Davenport trail head to the North Willow road. We went up to a pass and then back down to North Willow, then back again. It's not very far between the canyons, so while it wasn't a long hike, it was a good one. I've done it before in less time, but never with that much snow before and I wasn't in any real hurry.
I'm grateful that I can still do that kind of hiking. The scenery was beautiful, the air was clean and crisp, the company was great and the exercise invigorating. It was so nice in fact that all of us removed our jackets before we were 1/2 through the hike. Amazing isn't it? Hiking in the snow and only wearing a long sleeved shirt and no coat or jacket.
Today, I am grateful for my family, my aging, but still able body, and good friends.
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| Nice view looking towards Deseret Peak |
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| Bright sunlight on the snow |
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| Almost at the pass - going S towards N Willow |
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| You can see the layer of 'gunk' in the valley |
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| Beautiful view from the pass between the canyons |
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