Gratitude - A Healing Force

As I struggle with depression in my life, one of the greatest tools is gratitude. I've had some difficulty with expressing and feeling true gratitude, but when I do take time and the effort to be truly thankful for all that is good in my life there is a healing influence that lightens the heart and gives meaning and strength to me.

Thanks to a loving daughter in law, I found this wonderful blog post with a few good quotes that helped a lot. Better than the quotes though was this video at the end of the post about gratitude. It is uplifting, thought provoking and very helpful as I continue to work through this period of my life.

I am so thankful for my family and most especially for my grand children. They truly light up my heart and help me feel so much better. I am blessed with 5 wonderful children and 9 grand children who all help to keep me sane and gift me with happy moments.

Last Monday (Dec. 23rd), we had our annual Weight Family Christmas party (the 'big' Weight Family). There were quite a few folks that came, including all of my family and most of the grandchildren. I was feeling very low and had no enthusiasm at all. I was grouchy and ornery and just wanted to be alone. Not a good mood for a family Christmas party to say the least. While I was trying hard to break out of that dark mood, I was sitting on the couch and Mason (2 years old) and Matthew (8 years old) were playing a game of some sort. Mason jumped on my lap for protection from Matthew who was trying to 'get' him. He just smiled and laughed and said "Save me grandpa!" The next several minutes they repeated it several times and Mason kept laughing and hugging me and asking for protection. It was such a sweet moment and lifted my spirits immensely. Thank you Mason and Matthew for giving me such a sweet gift.

At the same party, all of my grandchildren, in one way or another, helped lift my heart and gave me the gift of their love. Dessa, with her ever sparkling personality and her happy smile and laugh; Michael and Adilene with their sweet smiles and loving hugs; Liliana with her calming, peaceful spirit; Alyssa with her special hugs and smile; and Annee who is a good example to me of how to live better and happier. I am so impressed with her and how she is growing and maturing. I can learn from her.

A couple of days later, at my family Christmas party, I was again feeling in a dark mood while struggling to lighten up. Again, my children and grandchildren lifted the darkness and left love and light in its place. They were so delightful and loving and fun. I am so grateful for my family. Without them, the darkness would be overwhelming. With their help, I am going to win through this.

I am going to try to develop a habit of gratitude where each day I start and/or end with a list of things I am grateful for.

Tonight's list: 

• 5 wonderful children
• 9 sweet grandchildren
• 1 beautiful wife of almost 37 years
• 1 loyal, loving dog (Chloe)
• 1 good home that shelters me from storm and cold, wind and heat
• Many good ward members who help me and each other 

Life is Like a Ferris Wheel

Have you ever noticed that life is like a Ferris Wheel? You have your ups and downs; you have exciting times when everything is going by in a rush; you have times when you are on top of the world and can see for miles in any direction; you have the anticipation of going backwards as you head back up again; you have times when you are at the bottom and it seems like you will always be there; then it starts up again and soon you are on top.

Everyone has natural ups and downs throughout their life. Many folks do well whether they are at the top of the cycle or somewhere else. It's expected and we all know and (probably) understand that.

The hard thing for me, right now, is that my life's Ferris Wheel is controlled by a random number (monster) generator. Just when I feel like I'm headed up and might be able to enjoy the view for a while, the monster gives an evil laugh and reverses the wheel and brings me down again. Then, just when I think I'm going up the other side, it reverses again and back down I go. Sometimes I go all the way around, but the time at the top is so quick that I almost don't notice it. It speeds up at the top and slows way down at the bottom. That's how it feels to me right now. Just when I'm feeling a little better, something happens, a thought crosses my mind or or I see a picture, or with no identifiable trigger at all, I plummet back into that crater in my mind that is so dark, lonely and sad that I let out a mental (and sometimes a physical) gasp. Then all the energy I've stored up or managed to generate is sucked out of me and I'm left at the bottom, once again, wondering if this wild, twisted ride will ever end and let me off. It feels like I have no control and am at the mercy of the wheel operator. Still, I sometimes feel, deep inside, that if I could just, for a moment, stop being so spineless, so weak and just reach out hard enough and long enough, I could grab the controls and then I could could stop this deranged wheel and get back to my life. Just as I gather my energy and reach out... straining with all I have ... it fades away like an early morning dream and I fail. I almost had it I say, then back in the hole I go. This is like those (including myself) who tell me that if I would only be more positive, if I would just try harder that I would be fine. I believe them, I try, but I fail, again. I can see that handle that controls this nightmare of a Ferris Wheel and it looks oh so tantalizingly close. But it's always just out of reach... I can't quite latch onto it. So the ride goes on and on and on...

Earlier this evening I was at our ward Christmas party and was feeling pretty good. For no reason I can discern, I just dropped off and sunk into a dark feeling again. I'm sitting here trying to fight it and feeling so helpless. Sigh ... I really don't know how long I can hang on, but I must keep fighting - letting the beast win is not an option... But I am sooooooooooo tired of this. :(

It feels like I'm weak and lazy and stupid. That's the dastardly part of this whole experience. I'm no longer sure if it's something I can't fix or if some part of me just wants to be incapacitated so I have a lame excuse for my lack of effort and results. I could just fix it and be fine if I wanted to, right? It feels like I should be able to do that, but I can't or is it that I don't? I'm so confused and afraid. Am I that pitiful that I would deliberately languish in the depths of this dark confusion of mind so I would be pitied by others and get the attention that I crave? Do I need attention and the sympathy or pity of others so profoundly that I would work against my best interest just to keep receiving that sick kind of feedback? I hope not, I pray not. For if I am that pitiful, what hope is there?

In my heart I don't believe that is true. I am truly suffering from an illness. It's a savage, often misunderstood and a very difficult illness to treat. So many people, even myself, believe that if I would just try hard enough that I could get myself back on my feet and in control again. I know that this is real - that it is an illness, yet, even I sometimes think that it's just me. That I'm just weak and pathetic. How can I blame others who think so?

Please, understand that it is an illness as real as the flu, as painful as a heart attack, as lonely as a deserted island. I know that I, alone, can not fix it. It may not go away on its own regardless of my efforts at positive thinking and shoulder squaring and determination. I need help and the understanding, or at least compassion, of friends and family who thankfully do not and have not suffered through this debilitating and horrific illness. I may even need the help of drugs, though I abhor them and fear them. Perhaps I should seek a competent psychiatrist, one with the necessary experience to provide the help I need. It's hard because of the stigma of mental illness and my lack of trust in the medical (mental) system.

Maybe I can try that, tomorrow. Tonight, I'm just too tired to do anything. It's just too much effort.  Sigh ...

What Do You Do When Nothing Matters?

I'm sitting here at home with absolutely no motivation to do anything. There are many things that need to be done, but I can't come up with the energy to do anything. I feel like nothing matters. Nothing is fun, nothing brings happiness or pleasure so what's the point?
I know I'm dealing in absolutes which is a good sign of faulty thinking, but I can't break out of it tonight. I'm just so sad and feeling a heavy weight in my heart. It's so dark and hopeless in here.

It's almost more than I can do to just sit here and type. I got home from work early today and just vegetated in front of the TV watching a movie and a bunch of re-runs of the Pawn shop show on the History channel. Big, productive day, not! Yet, it feels like it doesn't matter. Not matter what I do, it won't be fun, it won't help me be happy, it's not worth the energy. At the same time I know, somewhere in this broken mind of mine that it's not true. I could do something that would make a difference, even if only to lift this dark feeling for a while. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until the end of the world. Why do I keep on even when there seems to be no reward, nothing but whatever is left of my life full of emptiness and sadness?

Well, I keep on because somewhere in me I know that there are days left in my life that will be worth it, that will lift this heavy, dark feeling from my heart and mind and let me feel something again. I keep on because I don't know how to do anything else. I keep on because I have grandchildren that love me. I keep on because somewhere inside me I still hold on to a hope that this darkness and pain will be lifted and I will feel happy.

So what do you do when nothing seems to matter? You keep on going. You hold on. You keep that hope, however deep it is buried, that life will be better and that you will feel again. That's what you do when you can't do anything else. You hold on for just one more hour, one more day. Maybe tomorrow it will be better. And yes, sometimes it is.

Is It I?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am - what kind of Latter Day Saint - what kind of Mormon am I?

Am I one of those who just goes to church every week and does the minimum in my callings to keep up appearances, but never really gets into the spirit of it? Am I a friend to others because I love them or because they love me or I want them to love me? Am I a hypocrite? When you look up hypocrite in a thesaurus it gives you a couple of words like charlatan or fraud. The definition is:

"A person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs."

So, do I pretend to have virtues and/or morals or beliefs that I don't actually have?

There's a scripture in Mark 14:18-19 that I've been thinking about:

18 And as they sat and did eat, Jesus said, Verily I say unto you, One of you which eateth with me shall betray me.
19 And they began to be sorrowful, and to say unto him one by one, Is it I? and another said, Is it I?

I wondered how they could ask "Is it I?" Surely they knew whether it was or not. I'm sure Judas knew it was him, but he still said "Is it I?" I think that maybe he was just trying to keep others from knowing his treachery. But what was it in the others that prompted them to ask "Is it I?" They probably had no thought or plans, even in the most private recesses of their minds, but wondered to themselves, could I do that?

I certainly have felt some doubts about myself. I'm often unsure of myself and generally willing to believe the worst and find it difficult to believe and accept anything good that someone else says about me. I'm working on that. I think it is a part of a truly humble person to acknowledge that they are good and of great worth. It's not pride - at least not the 'bad' kind of pride. Yet still I keep trying to boost myself up by boasting of some little thing I did that was good until I ruin it by talking about it.

So, after exhaustive self examination and an honest determination that No, I am not quite a hypocrite, I still find myself asking "Is it I?" That is in spite of years of hard, mental struggle and working to feel good about myself. I'm still not sure of myself and too ready to believe that Yes, it is I. Still, I have made progress in acknowledging and accepting myself as I am. Of knowing, intrinsically, that I am good and worthy in many ways, and so I hope for a future of even more progress.

I read another scripture the other day that gives me pause:

3 Nephi 13:2-4
2 Therefore, when ye shall do your alms do not sound a trumpet before you, as will hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, they have their reward.
3 But when thou doest alms let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth;
4 That thine alms may be in secret; and thy Father who seeth in secret, himself shall reward thee openly.

Ouch! Too often have I sought the praise of others for little, perceived good deeds of mine. I will do better - I must do better.

One aspect of myself that really bugs me is the deep, desperate need to be acknowledged, to be praised. Where does that come from and how do I mitigate it? It is so ironic that I have that deep seated need yet often refuse to believe it when offered praise or a sincere compliment. How twisted is that?  :)  I want, I seek to be in a place where I am happy with who I am, right now. Maybe not satisfied, but content at the moment. To be self assured enough to be grateful when others say good things about or to me, but to not NEED it so desperately.  As I said earlier, I have made some progress and hope to make much more before my time is done here in this life.

So, am I a hypocrite? Hum... the jury may still be out on that, but I do see some evidence that perhaps I'm not, quite. In any case, I will work to be where I don't have to answer that, I will know the answer, as will others, from my life and the fruits thereof.