Disclaimer: This is long and it isn't pretty. It may disillusion or disappoint. I hope not, but you have been warned. Continue at your own risk. :-()
How do you respond to someone who asks "Why don't you smile?" or "Why are you so sad?" or conversely, "Aren't you happy?" I guess it depends on who is asking or in what context the query takes place. Do you reply with the truth? Are you even sure what the truth is at that moment, for you. Again, it depends, but you probably don't say much. I certainly don't. Some of my typical responses are: "I'm happy, but my face is frozen" or "I'm smiling inside, but the smile doesn't quite make it to my face" or "I forgot how to smile" and then follow up with a fake smile (or perhaps a grimace - it's hard to tell sometimes with me). In reality, I am not happy
For me, the truth is that I can't remember what happy feels like. I have a problem. It's called MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) or sometimes Clinical Depression. It's often complicated by what's called SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) which is more common in winter when there is less daylight. SAD just makes the depression worse.
I don't remember now when it first started. It came on gradually. As long as I can remember I've been a little on the grumpy (negative) side, but I vaguely remember times when I'm sure I was quite happy. It seems like it's been a very long time since I've felt "
normal" whatever that means, but my new normal is dark, lonely and sad.
In the last General Conference, Elder Holland talked about this. I felt he was talking to me and it was wonderful to hear it in the open. Here is a quote from that talk that expresses a little how I feel:
"...an affliction so severe that it
significantly restricts a person’s ability to function fully, a crater
in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would
surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively--though I am a vigorous advocate of square shoulders and positive thinking!"
That catches it pretty good - a '
crater in the mind so deep...' Yeah, that's pretty close. I was thinking an abyss, but crater is a good word. I've had a few people tell me to just think positively - stop being so negative about almost everything. I TRY, believe me, I try, but everything I do, think or feel is so negatively predisposed by the dark crater in my mind that it is just this side of impossible for me to think positively. I can do it, but it takes a huge mental and emotional effort. Everything is interpreted in a negative way. If you say to me: "
That's a nice shirt you have on." My warped interpreter will morph it into something like, "
Is that the best you can do? That shirt is lame." Somewhere, deep inside the intellectual morass of my thoughts, I know that is ridiculous and that I should be happy with the compliment, but my mind won't let me see it that way. I'm not good enough to be complimented. It's twisted, but that's how it works. The nastiest twist to this is that I feel guilty for feeling that way, even though I can't fix it, and then I feel worse from the guilt. It's a slippery slope of negative reinforcement.
In my better moments I feel neutral (or empty). Not happy, but not stuck in a deep abyss of darkness and helplessness and fatigue so extreme that nothing matters. Nothing is fun, nothing is good, nothing feels right. Those neutral moments are the times I look for and hope for because for right now, it's as good as it gets. I function a bit better during those times. I say moments because they don't typically last very long. Sometimes as short as a few minutes. Sometimes a few hours. That is as close to happiness as I come now. Too much of the time I'm on the other end of my spectrum - in the dark, lonely abyss of the crater in my mind. At those times, I barely function. Somehow I've continued to get up in the morning, go to work and do something although with far less efficiency and efficacy than I should or used to be able to accomplish.
That lack of ability to function fully or even at a moderate level engenders another kind of mental anguish. It's called guilt and it is relentless and brutal. I look at my life and see where I could do so much more and be so much better, but I don't and I'm not. The guilt is so deep and so intense at times that it propels me in a downward spiral ever deeper into the crater in my mind. Those times are rough. Those are the times that I really have to battle to stay in the game. That's when I really need to be on my bike riding hard or on a tough hike in the hills or anything physically demanding to give me some relief and get me off of that downward spiraling slippery slope of negative thoughts and emotions. THAT is the #1 reason I ride my bike to work. It gives me some relief and lifts me out of the depths of the crater to where I can at least hope for some light. It often lifts me to that blessed neutral place where I can rest a bit and hope for a future.
I have written a couple of poems that express how I feel about this, dare I say it?, illness. Yes, I know, I am definitely mental. Here is a link to a couple of poems where I try to express how this feels to me. Please don't expect a polished, professional tome. It's just my ramblings forced into a poetical framework. Anyway, here are the links:
The Beast Within
How Long?
The first one talks about my battle with the '
Beast' which is, of course, depression. I see the beast as a dragon spewing fire inside me, destroying all the good thoughts and leaving a charred mass of confusion and pain behind. I am constantly trying to put out fires to limit the damage and that takes an enormous effort. So much effort is required that I'm frequently exhausted and unable to do the simplest things such as clean the house, do the dishes, or study for my primary lesson. In fact, it takes every last erg of energy I can muster to stay in the game. It leaves me drained, listless and helpless. That leads to the next poem:
How Long? In this poem I ask the question of how long, meaning how long can I continue this battle, this war? I honestly don't know how long I can go on. I've done it so far, but how long can I continue? Without some relief, it wouldn't be much longer. I've been blessed that I can find some relief. I find relief when I ride my bike - thus my determination to keep doing so even though it is hard on me physically. Some days I dread getting on my bike and riding into work. It would be so easy to just take the bus or the car. Nobody rides their bike 30 miles (round trip) to work - do they? I set a goal to ride at least 3 times a week. Usually I make it at least once which is good. I'm still in the game. Riding my bike is so physically demanding that the '
Beast' takes a back seat and I get some blessed relief. The ride frees my mind, and lets me think and relax and even enjoy the sights, sounds and smells. Yes, even the smells. There is a place on my route that I guess is kind of a compost plant or something like that. It is very fragrant and earthy smelling. It's not unpleasant at all and I can always tell when I'm close as the smell of decomposing leaves, grass, trees, and all kinds of greenery assaults my nose. I get the chance to see sunrises and sunsets and to stop for a moment and enjoy them and occasionally take a picture or two. You can't do that in a car or a bus. Sometimes on my rides it is very quiet and peaceful. I take some back routes that don't have as much of the noisy traffic. I like those times the most.
If my bike were taken away or my ability to ride was removed, I don't know how I could stand it. It's a little ironic that I struggle many days to get on my bike, but once I'm on my way, I'm very glad I did. I get worn out physically when riding. It's a long haul for this old, too heavy body, but I can do it and it's a good work out. By far the most important point is that it gives me relief from the beast.
So,
why am I sharing this? It feels like there are too few people who understand how it feels and how deeply it hurts and hinders a person suffering from this disorder. I'm not sure that it is even possible to really understand if you haven't felt it. I certainly did not understand it at all. I was clueless. I do believe, however, that it is possible and important for everyone to at least get a feel for what it's like for the person suffering from this REAL illness. Unfortunately, I am clueless no longer - at least regarding the reality of this illness of the mind, this beast. There still seems to be some uneasiness, shall we call it, about mental illness of any kind. I can personally attest to its reality and the difficulty of working through it. It is my sincere hope that through this blog post and my poems that I can help someone, anyone, to better understand those who are suffering or perhaps to even help give hope or some help to another person who is suffering with this same issue or to their loved ones who are also deeply affected. I wish to give help through understanding.
It is so hard and it can go on so long that it would be easy to just give up. Giving up takes many forms, the most permanent being suicide. Too many are taking that final path from which there is no turning back. I didn't understand how someone could be so desperate, so despondent that they would take their own life. I understand now. I've been in that dark, dreadful place but thanks to a loving Father in Heaven, my family, my ward family and my testimony I have not stayed there too long. There are alternatives. There are ways to battle with this and stay in the game. Many can receive help from medical sources - through drugs and therapy of various types. I find some relief through writing. It's cathartic for me to write my thoughts and feelings down - even the very dark ones (I keep those in a private, personal journal). Maybe some day I will delete those dark episodes, but for now it helps, a little, to lighten my heart and mind. It helps keep me in the game.
What can you, the person who is not suffering from this awful malady, or just as important, what can I, do? Here are some suggestions from Elder Holland in his conference talk:
"So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges
confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your
Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As
President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for
you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart.
Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the
Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold
keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood
blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in
miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication
would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do
not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own
anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be
strong, trusting in happier days ahead."
Support, informed support, from family is imperative. It is the second most important reason that I can function at all (the most important being the love and support of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ). I hold to that and it allows me to function at some level and to keep on fighting this seemingly endless war.
It isn't always easy to know when someone is suffering from MDD. I believe that many, who can function at least at some level, hide it and deny it. That, of course, is not productive, but it is reality. I have felt this way for a very long time and have not sought the help I need. I abhor taking drugs. I tried it for a while and it seemed worse. The side effects can be very bad and it can take weeks to start working and then if it doesn't you have to try another, then another drug until maybe, if you are lucky, you find one that does work for you. It's almost like playing Russian roulette with the scary side effects. The docs don't know what works for a particular individual. They do their best, but it's just a guessing game, however educated. Not a fun game, especially when a wrong guess can send you on a downward spiral that you might not be able to get out of. Nevertheless, it is necessary for some folks to go that route.
I'm trying a different, natural route (I know - I'm stubborn and ornery) - hard, frequent exercise, vitamin B and other supplements and chiropractic care. Fortunately, for me, my son Dr. Josh Weight is a chiropractor and he has given me a lot of help. I've seen some improvement in the last week or so and hope that more is on my horizon.
For those of you who don't know, here are the keys to identifying (diagnosing) clinical depression. Note: You should not try to diagnose yourself, but if you have these signs, get evaluated by a competent medical professional. Only then can you know your options and make informed decisions.
1. Depressed mood indicated by persistent sad, anxious, or “empty” mood
2. Feelings of hopelessness or pessimism
3. Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness
4. Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities once enjoyed
5. Decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling “slowed down”
6. Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
7. Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
8. Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
9. Thoughts of death or suicide or actual suicide attempts
10. Restlessness or irritability
To be considered clinically
depressed, you must exhibit at least 5
of these signs and at least 1 of them must be either #1 or #4 and it
must have been during a continuous two week period. Yep, nailed it in me. I've experienced all of them almost continuously for several years now. That 'empty' mood in #1 above is the neutral state I talk about.
I recently watched a movie called "
Joe and the Volcano". It's an old favorite. In the movie, Joe is a hypochondriac and is always going to a doctor. Finally, on one fateful day, he visits the doctor of a very rich guy who gives him a diagnosis. The doctor tells him he has a brain cloud and that while there are no symptoms and no pain, it is terminal and Joe has only about 6 months to live. The reason for this dubious (and totally fake) diagnosis was to entice him (through the rich guy) to go to an island and volunteer as the sacrifice for the volcano god of the island. If you want to see/hear more - look for it on the internet. Anyway, the point is that even though that malady does not really exist, it explains a bit how I feel. I feel like I have a '
brain cloud'. My thinking is cloudy, uncertain, confused and jumbled. I can't concentrate, I can't think clearly. I have sat on the edge of my bed taking 5-10 minutes to decide what shoes to wear. Kind of pathetic since I only have 3 pairs to choose from. I've also found myself wandering aimlessly around the house not knowing what I'm looking for, but just feeling kind of lost.
So if you see these signs / symptoms in one you love, even if you don't really understand them, please don't assume that a little positive thinking will fix it or as Elder Holland put it:
...a crater
in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would
surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and
think more positively... (emphasis added).
I am deeply sorry when I inflict my negative thoughts and feelings on you, my family and friends. I'm trying so hard not to. I'm trying to learn to just keep my mouth shut when I don't have something good to say. It's hard, because my mind isn't working properly and sometimes I don't even realize that what I'm saying is so negative or hurtful to others. I will keep trying to not be outwardly negative as long as I have the power to do so.
It hurts me when someone says something like you can be happy - it's a choice. Just choose to be happy and think positively. I believe in that concept. I believe that being happy is not only a choice, but that we are each, individually, responsible for our own happiness. Nobody can
make me happy. Unfortunately, at this point in my life, I find it impossible to
choose to be happy. I think I understand the concept, but how, exactly do I make that choice? It just doesn't compute to my fatigued, clouded mind. I can't conceive it and I can't execute it. Then I feel guilty again, which leads me deeper into the crater in my mind. Sigh...
I hope for a future where I will be happy. Where I
can choose to be happy. My best times are when I'm with my family, especially my grand children. I know that my stress decreases and it lightens my heart - it gives me some relief from the beast. It helps keep me in the game. Being with my family does recharge my batteries and gives me more energy to keep fighting the battles. I am so grateful for my family, especially for my children who are so wonderful and my grand children who are beyond wonderful! Without them I am sure that I would lose one battle too many and be taken out of the game.
Having said that, it is so sad (pitiful?) that I don't take more time to be with my grand children. Why wouldn't I when it is helpful? Sometimes it's because my inner talk is telling me that it just takes more energy than I have or that it doesn't matter because of (
insert some negative thought here...). It is counter intuitive, I know, but I just can't do things some times, even if it would help me. Perhaps it's a dark thought that I don't deserve to be helped. There are lots of thoughts and excuses - none of them make any sense or have any veracity when examined in the light with a clear mind, but when trapped deep in the morass of the crater in my mind, it does make sense and is reality for me. If you don't understand that, it's OK, neither do I.
I mention being 'in the game' or 'out of the game' several times here. Just to be clear, when I say 'in the game', I mean to be here, in this life. To be 'out of the game' is to be out of this life and in the next.
The worst of it is, for me, that I KNOW that I could be so much more, do so much more and be so much better if I didn't have to spend every last erg of energy I can muster to fight this beast. That kills me inside. I want so deeply to be a better husband, father, grandfather, brother, son, friend, primary teacher and home teacher. To feel in my core that I could do better and not doing so tends to make the battle just that much harder. It's just another pernicious aspect of this battle with the beast. I have fought and I am determined to continue to fight this war with all the energy of my being. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose.
Please be patient with me.
