End of an Experiment

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I have been experimenting with not taking my bp meds because I was experiencing some severe side effects. Initially, I did feel better, but after a couple of weeks I noticed that the most severe issue I was worried about (chest pain) happened even while not taking the meds.

So, I'm back taking them and my bp has dropped back to its semi-high, but much lower than without meds, normal. I'm back to around 135/89 range instead of the 155/115 range without the meds. Sigh ....

It's still very annoying with the dry mouth, colder hands and feet and constant exhaustion, but maybe I can get the doctor to change it up and try something else.

I still have a huge problem with eating too much (depression related snacking) and exercising too little (laziness, tiredness and fear of the chest pains). I've gained almost all of my old weight back and I feel crummy. I keep trying to motivate myself and get back to daily exercise, but can't seem to get it going. Between being so tired I can hardly function and the exercise induced chest pains I can't get moving. Much of the time I don't even care on several levels, but at my inner most level I really want to work to be healthy - it's just too hard -- too sad, too tired, too depressed. You might say I have a case of the terrible toos! :)

Some days I even wonder if I hang on to the depression so I can tell myself it's not my fault. If I could just let it go (unintentional Frozen reference...) I could feel happy again. Sadly, I can't find it within me to shake it off. It.just.won't.go.away!

At least I'm functioning at a level that lets me keep my job. Anything other than that is so difficult. Right now, it's the thoughts and love of my children and grand children that are keeping me from giving up, but I sometimes wander so close to the edge of despair that I'm afraid for myself. So far, I've been able to keep back from the cliff edge. It feels like I can't hold on any longer, then somehow I find just enough strength to hold it off for a few moments and back away from that dark edge of despair that I don't believe I can battle.

I can no longer remember a time when I wasn't just hanging on for dear life. It seems like forever since I've felt happy - I'm not sure I even understand joy right now. I'm just trying to stay around and give the very little that I can to my grand children. They deserve so much more from their grandpa than I can give them. It's that thought that both gives me strength to keep trying and fills my heart with a deep heaviness from not giving them what I so much desire to - to give my time and what little wisdom I've gathered - to play with them, teach them, show them the things I love, but most of all to spend time with them. And I can't even do that, most days.

I cherish every moment I can spend with them and anguish at the thought that I'm not doing nearly enough or spending nearly enough time with them. Yet, I am still here, still trying.