I've been suffering from some very deep, severe depression for quite a while now. It's difficult to remember when it started and exactly how long it's been, but I'm thinking it's been over 2 years now. My family has kept me from going too deep or too far. The grand kids have been especially helpful with keeping me going. For that I will always be thankful and can not fully express my love and thankfulness to them (my children AND grandchildren) for not giving up on me.
Fortunately, I am greatly blessed and somehow, someway, I have been able to keep plodding along, not giving up and giving in though I often wanted to. It was largely through my family (as noted above). There is a strength in me that is not of my own. It is the strength of my testimony of God's love for His children and more specifically, for me. The strength derived from that assurance, that firm, deep seated, spiritual knowledge, along with the love of and for my family, kept me from going over the edge. With all my heart and with a deep, abiding gratefulness, I acknowledge my Heavenly Father's goodness and love towards me - to give me the strength to hang on through some very dark times. It is through His love and Jesus Christ's atonement that I can see hope and a lightness and joy that I thought never to feel again.
Let me show you how this awakening from the long night came about.
Around September of 2012, I started having some problems with my feet. They were sore and aching whenever I hiked or walked very far. The deer hunt that year was the final straw for my poor suffering feet. After the last day of the hunt, I got to the trailer where we were camped and could barely lift my legs and could not step up the short steps into the trailer. I had to literally lift my leg with my hand to get my foot up. Then followed it again with the other. I can smile at it now, but at the time it was very painful. My feet were burning and quite painful. So, I finally went to the doctor and to keep it short, I was diagnosed with plantar fasciitis (in BOTH feet). Ouch! I was told that in order to heal, I must stay off of them as much as possible. So, there went my walks, my hikes, and exercise. I couldn't move without pain. So I quit doing any exercise for that entire winter and into the early spring of 2013. That, together with the ever worsening depression really had me down and almost out. I was so close to a goner, but my loving Heavenly Father had not given up on me. I had what I now know to be inspiration from Heaven to not give in and find another way to get the physical work my body so desperately craved. I had done so well the last 8 years after my heart attack in 2004, but alas, I had gained back most of the weight I had lost and that was a contributor to even darker, deeper depression. But there was hope - yes, always hope. I decided that if I couldn't walk, I would ride a bicycle. Now, it had been probably more than 20 years since I had been on a bike for any length of time, but I was determined and so I got a bike. Not just any bike, but one that I could ride to and from work. I didn't think much of it at the time, but it had to be inspiration - I would never, in my more lucid moments, even consider riding a bike from Magna to downtown Salt Lake City, but there it was, and so it began.
At first, I just rode a few miles around Magna, then I started going on longer rides. I mapped out a 7 mile loop from 7200 W 2680 S (by my house) up to 3100 S then over to 9400 W, back down to 2800 S and back to my house. All told, about 7 miles. I did that for a while, then determined to ride to work. The last time I had ridden even close to that far was when I was about 16 years old and the scouts did a 50 miler down Redwood Rd to the Jordan River Narrows and back. I was unsure about the safety and protocol, so I asked my son Aaron to ride with me the first couple of times. I was so grateful for his help and company and I started riding to work. Back then, I rode a different route than I do now and it was a bit longer because for about 1/2 of the ride we went on the Jordan River trail which twists and turns a bit. Anyway, we rode together several times and sometimes I rode alone - especially coming home - as Aaron had school and a young family to be with. That got me started, and although I was slow, it was amazing that it took very little more time than riding the bus. I could get to work in just over 1.5 hours. Taking the bus takes from 1.5 to 2 hours, so time wise it wasn't a problem. After a while, Aaron wasn't able to ride with me for various reasons, so I kept riding alone. I have to admit that many days I simply did NOT want to get on that bike. It was hard, it was work, I was too tired, etc. It wasn't a lot of fun at that point, just hard. Although I do have to admit that there were grand moments when I got to see the sun rise (or set) and could take a few moments to enjoy it. My only real worry was that some crazy or distracted driver would run into me. Well, it hasn't happened and hopefully never will, but in any case, I'm determined to contineu.
I continued biking to work all the way through the first of December 2013. I didn't bike every day. My body couldn't handle that. The biggest problem, actually is my back side. My butt gets so sore sometimes that it's a pleasure/pain mixture when I finally get off and can rest those poor glutteal (sp) muscles. I bought a pair of padded bike shorts, but alas, they were low quality and the padding just wasn't quite in the right spot. So, back to regular shorts or even long pants, depending on the weather. I biked on cold days and warm days and hot days and cool days. The only days I tried to avoid completely were wet ones. My bike is not good in the wet weather - it slips too easily with those tall, thin wheels and I don't like the 'skunk' stripe from all the water tossed up on my back by the rear tire. After about the first week of December, it started getting too cold and snowy for too many days and I pretty much stopped biking until about March of this year. When I took it up again, it was so hard and I was so out of shape and weighed too much. But, I kept at it. I am a little bit stubborn, but I was being helped, prompted, pushed or inspired - pick the word - to keep trying. I liked it and I hated it both at the same time. A little odd thing here is that the showers at work are wonderful. I love them. Sometimes, just the thought of a nice, hard shower at work got me on my bike. I know - maybe TMI, but there it is. Whatever it takes, use it to keep yourself moving.
So, I kept at it and just a few weeks ago, my brother Evan called me about going to the Temple with him. I hadn't been in a long time and I agreed. That was to be a HUGE turning point for me. Going to Oquirrh Mountain Temple with my brother may have just saved my life - spiritually, if not physically. There is a special spirit and strength from being in the Temple that appears to have broken me out of the deep, dark feelings that I've been languishing in for so long. I am so grateful. Now, follow that up a day or two later when I rode my bike to work. I felt inclined (prompted) to wear my ear buds and listen to some of my favorite music while riding that day. I've been doing that since - it was so amazing. I got into the beat of the music and just pumped away like never before. The time went by so quickly and I was in a bit of a zone. I think I almost felt happy. What was that I thought to myself. What is that feeling? Well, that was nothing compared to the ride home that day. I really got into a zone on the way home. I was listening to uplifting music with some great beats and just pedaled away. I was cruising, but I didn't know how fast it was going until I started getting reports every 2 miles from my biking app on my phone. I had gone 2 miles and it told me that I was going 19.8 mph and the time for those 2 miles was 7 minutes 32 seconds. I had gone 2 consecutive miles at a faster pace than ever! It was just under 4 minutes to a mile. That's amazing for me - I usually do about 5-6 minutes a mile at my best. OK, so that was the easiest part of the ride home. How would it go the rest of the way? Suffice it to say that my blistering pace (for me) continued all the way home. I didn't even slack off on the last 2 miles which are usually when I'm ready to get off and walk. I got home in just under 1 hour and 15 minutes (including stopped time for lights and trains). The actual biking time was 55 minutes and some odd seconds. That's about 10 minutes faster than I've ever done that distance (13.5 miles). Wow! Pretty nice. During that ride, I felt a peace, a happiness, maybe even some joy! It's been too long since I felt that and I have to admit that it is a powerful motivator.
Now I WANT to get on my bike and ride. Yes, sometimes it's still very hard and I still have a problem with my butt hurting, but it's FUN! I haven't felt that anything was fun for a long time and I love it. I've ridden twice this week and will ride tomorrow morning for what is probably my maximum in a week. More than 3 times may be too much, so I'll just do the 3x for now and see where it goes.
I've continued to go to the temple and have been there every week since that first time with my brother. Nancy and I have interviewed with the Bishop to be Temple workers. That will take us to the Temple at least 1 time per week and I'm determined to work to get there at least 1 more time each week. It is saving my life - I highly recommend it.
I will try to describe how I feel as I ride my bike. I still have some problems with chest pain when I ride, so sometimes I don't push as hard as I like, but I think it's getting better.
As I ride, I can feel my breath come quicker. I feel and hear my heart beat in my chest. fast and strong. I can feel and hear the blood flowing through my veins taking precious oxygen to my cells as they work to propel me forward. The endorphins flood my brain and I feel GOOD! I love those endorphins! It gives me a natural high that no man-made drug or stimulant could every come close to equaling. I feel ALIVE! I feel full of power and self worth. It drives me to compete with myself and do even better.
Yes, lots of younger and better conditioned and better equipped folks pass me even when I'm going good, but it doesn't matter. I just wave or say Hi and keep on pumping. You need to get out and work your body and feel it. Hear your heart, feel the blood pumping, know yourself in a way that nothing else can help you do. I am almost 60 years old and I am biking to and from work about 2-3 times per week. That's almost 80 miles in a week. Yes, I have to admit that some days I only bike 1/2 and take the train the rest of the way, but most days I go the distance. If I, a 60 year old guy can do that, what can you accomplish? Anything you decide to. That's just it. You have to decide to.
For the ultimate high and for maximum spiritual and physical strength, here is my prescription: Go to the Temple regularly (meaning at LEAST 2x per month, preferably once per week) and find some exercise that you can enjoy and just do it.
Life is looking good again. Life is back on track. I have a long road of hard work ahead of me to break out of the cycle of doing nothing and get back to doing good. Get back to doing the work of building the Kingdom of God - that means service and love for others. I know I will still have bad days, but it's hard to describe the brightness and light of hope and love that I have felt. It's all due to the love my Father in Heaven has for me and for the people He works through to help me. I want to be a tool in His hands to do for others what He has done for me through my family.
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