Is It I?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am - what kind of Latter Day Saint - what kind of Mormon am I?

Am I one of those who just goes to church every week and does the minimum in my callings to keep up appearances, but never really gets into the spirit of it? Am I a friend to others because I love them or because they love me or I want them to love me? Am I a hypocrite? When you look up hypocrite in a thesaurus it gives you a couple of words like charlatan or fraud. The definition is:

"A person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, especially a person whose actions belie stated beliefs."

So, do I pretend to have virtues and/or morals or beliefs that I don't actually have?

There's a scripture in Mark 14:18-19 that I've been thinking about:

18 And as they sat and did eat, Jesus said, Verily I say unto you, One of you which eateth with me shall betray me.
19 And they began to be sorrowful, and to say unto him one by one, Is it I? and another said, Is it I?

I wondered how they could ask "Is it I?" Surely they knew whether it was or not. I'm sure Judas knew it was him, but he still said "Is it I?" I think that maybe he was just trying to keep others from knowing his treachery. But what was it in the others that prompted them to ask "Is it I?" They probably had no thought or plans, even in the most private recesses of their minds, but wondered to themselves, could I do that?

I certainly have felt some doubts about myself. I'm often unsure of myself and generally willing to believe the worst and find it difficult to believe and accept anything good that someone else says about me. I'm working on that. I think it is a part of a truly humble person to acknowledge that they are good and of great worth. It's not pride - at least not the 'bad' kind of pride. Yet still I keep trying to boost myself up by boasting of some little thing I did that was good until I ruin it by talking about it.

So, after exhaustive self examination and an honest determination that No, I am not quite a hypocrite, I still find myself asking "Is it I?" That is in spite of years of hard, mental struggle and working to feel good about myself. I'm still not sure of myself and too ready to believe that Yes, it is I. Still, I have made progress in acknowledging and accepting myself as I am. Of knowing, intrinsically, that I am good and worthy in many ways, and so I hope for a future of even more progress.

I read another scripture the other day that gives me pause:

3 Nephi 13:2-4
2 Therefore, when ye shall do your alms do not sound a trumpet before you, as will hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, they have their reward.
3 But when thou doest alms let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth;
4 That thine alms may be in secret; and thy Father who seeth in secret, himself shall reward thee openly.

Ouch! Too often have I sought the praise of others for little, perceived good deeds of mine. I will do better - I must do better.

One aspect of myself that really bugs me is the deep, desperate need to be acknowledged, to be praised. Where does that come from and how do I mitigate it? It is so ironic that I have that deep seated need yet often refuse to believe it when offered praise or a sincere compliment. How twisted is that?  :)  I want, I seek to be in a place where I am happy with who I am, right now. Maybe not satisfied, but content at the moment. To be self assured enough to be grateful when others say good things about or to me, but to not NEED it so desperately.  As I said earlier, I have made some progress and hope to make much more before my time is done here in this life.

So, am I a hypocrite? Hum... the jury may still be out on that, but I do see some evidence that perhaps I'm not, quite. In any case, I will work to be where I don't have to answer that, I will know the answer, as will others, from my life and the fruits thereof.