I'm sitting here at home with absolutely no motivation to do anything. There are many things that need to be done, but I can't come up with the energy to do anything. I feel like nothing matters. Nothing is fun, nothing brings happiness or pleasure so what's the point?
I know I'm dealing in absolutes which is a good sign of faulty thinking, but I can't break out of it tonight. I'm just so sad and feeling a heavy weight in my heart. It's so dark and hopeless in here.
It's almost more than I can do to just sit here and type. I got home from work early today and just vegetated in front of the TV watching a movie and a bunch of re-runs of the Pawn shop show on the History channel. Big, productive day, not! Yet, it feels like it doesn't matter. Not matter what I do, it won't be fun, it won't help me be happy, it's not worth the energy. At the same time I know, somewhere in this broken mind of mine that it's not true. I could do something that would make a difference, even if only to lift this dark feeling for a while. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up until the end of the world. Why do I keep on even when there seems to be no reward, nothing but whatever is left of my life full of emptiness and sadness?
Well, I keep on because somewhere in me I know that there are days left in my life that will be worth it, that will lift this heavy, dark feeling from my heart and mind and let me feel something again. I keep on because I don't know how to do anything else. I keep on because I have grandchildren that love me. I keep on because somewhere inside me I still hold on to a hope that this darkness and pain will be lifted and I will feel happy.
So what do you do when nothing seems to matter? You keep on going. You hold on. You keep that hope, however deep it is buried, that life will be better and that you will feel again. That's what you do when you can't do anything else. You hold on for just one more hour, one more day. Maybe tomorrow it will be better. And yes, sometimes it is.
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